Wait up, Reynaldo! I'm coming!

From my best friend Missie, who has Cyber Voice Modulation Disorder, came the best birthday wish I've ever received:

HOPE YOU SPENT YOUR DAY DOING ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND THAT YOUR FAMILY WAS PEACE AND SUNSHINE AND HAPPY LITTLE UNICORNS WITH RAINBOWS SHOOTING OUT THEIR REARS, AND THAT CHURCH WAS WONDERFUL AND THAT YOUR HAIR LOOKED PERFECT AND THAT YOUR MAKEUP WAS DIVINE AND YOUR DRESS NOT ONLY MADE YOU LOOK TEN POUNDS THINNER BUT TEN YEARS YOUNGER AND THAT ALL THE DRIVERS ON THE ROAD WERE POLITE BECAUSE THEY KNEW IT WAS YOUR SPECIAL DAY AND THAT THE FOOD YOU ORDERED AT THE RESTAURANT WAS ESPECIALLY DELICIOUS AND THAT THE FREE DESSERT THEY GAVE YOU WAS BROUGHT OUT BY A STARTLINGLY FABULOUSLY HANDSOME SPANIARD NAMED REYNALDO WHO WHILE GAZING AT YOUR ROBYNFULNESS DECLARES HIS UNDYING LOVE AND WANTS TO WHISK YOU AWAY TO HIS FAMILY'S ANCESTRAL HOME ON THE SHORES OF SPAIN AT WHICH POINT YOU SAY, THANK YOU BUT THIS GUY RIGHT HERE? I AM MARRIED TO HIM AND THESE ARE OUR CHILDREN. AT WHICH POINT OUR MAN REYNALDO SAYS THAT'S OKAY, BRING THEM TOO. AT WHICH POINT YOU SAY EWWWW I AM NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL, AT WHICH POINT HE SAYS THEN LET ME JUST GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF RICHES SINCE YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT MY HEART, AT WHICH POINT YOU SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND I WOULD LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, AT WHICH POINT YOU AND GARY DITCH MINNESOTA BECAUSE YOU ARE NOW INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY AND YOU MOVE TO IDAHO LIKE ALL THE OTHER WEALTHY CALIFORNIANS AND ARIZONIANS AND YOU BUY YOUR DREAM HOUSE AND PUT YOUR KIDS IN GREAT PUBLIC SCHOOLS AND HELP US START A CHURCH.

It was actually a tiny bit less dramatic than that but I'm holding out for next year. I'm 44, peeps. And FOINE!