Sunday, December 21, 2008

Angels Are Spiteful And Dangerous

Or at least they are if you believe the emails I get. You know the ones; there's a picture of the most annoyingly cute little chubby-cheeked cherub you've ever seen, tiny fluffy wings a-flutter, sprinkling hearts and rainbows on grinning kittens and puppies waiting below.

These adorable seraphim are accompanied by an anecdote about a woman having a dream about God talking to her about footprints, or a man failing to take time out of his busy life for an old homeless woman who prayed for him and then finding out she died the next day.

Then the emails treat me to a long poem that gushes. Over me. And y'all, I am loved, I am special, and people think of me CONSTANTLY.

And since that kind of friendship is so special, how nice would it be if I forwarded that email to ten friends? If I do, the angels will bring me a blessing within 72 hours. It really, really, works! But if I don't, well...I wouldn't want to do that. I mean, I forward meaningless jokes, so why wouldn't I forward this? Something BAD might happen.

Why have these angels decided to hold me hostage? These cute, benevolent little beings are showing their teeth. Do they get a kickback from each email that's forwarded? Are their positions on the harp choir taken by other angels who are successful at threatening their recipients? Does God throw them out of heaven entirely if they don't make the quota?

If you're an angel's fondest wish and you always forward these things, fine. Just don't forward them to me, okay? I don't want to be responsible for heavenly wing pruning.

4 comments:

Missie said...

Yer meen post juss showz that yer a hatter of angles and donot deserf there blessings.


p.s. my word verif is cheers! seriously.

StarvingWriteNow said...

Maybe the angels are just bored up there in heaven--you know, all that perfection, bliss and heavenly hosting must be hard to deal with century after century. Little pranks like that keep things exciting.

My word verif is "skility." Like... ability to ski? Or use a skillet? Or a new combination of skill and ability. "I got skility, people!"

Robyn said...

Missie- Speak Engrish!

Beth, I love skility. That's a great word. I got mad skiliteez.

writtenwyrdd said...

I also hate angles. I mean, I flunked geometry-- Oh, wait, you said angels.

I figure it's really a devilish plot. Say, if you were writing a story about a demon at work, one of its pranks could be these emails purportedly from angels and which drive up people's guilt and stress and rage...