Monday, March 16, 2009

You CANNOT Be Serious

Okay, y'all. I am mad. Lobster-faced rage monkey McFurious. We all know about a certain singer who was beaten senseless by her singer boyfriend, right? If the tabloids are to be believed, she took him back. Which makes her stupid. But what makes the blood shoot from my eyeballs?

A study of 500 teenagers found that 46% of them thought she brought it on. Provoked it in some way. In short, it's her fault that she walked into his fist.

Any guesses how many teens would think it's his fault if he walked into her knife?

I took a seminar on domestic violence, and several of the abused wives said that the abuse was cyclical- there was a gradual build-up of stress until an abusive episode occured that ironically relieved the tension. A number of the women admitted to provoking their abusive husbands when the stress was high, so that they could have some measure of control over when he blew. Knowing it was coming but not knowing when was almost worse than the actual abuse, so they pushed buttons they knew would burst the bubble.

I understand that. But even in these instances, IT WAS NOT THEIR FAULT. Good God, have we not moved past this by now? The discussion isn't even about why the abused stay with their tormentors- people, KIDS, still think it's somehow her fault that he's a coward and a bully?

Well if no one ever told you, I will. IT IS NOT HER FAULT. IT IS NEVER HER FAULT. I don't care if she is the biggest shrew alive with a voice that shatters glass. I don't care if she shoves her tongue down other men's throats. I don't care if she wrecks your car, ruins your credit, and lets your dog run away. Call the police, call her boss, call her a b*tch with a loudspeaker, but you are not justified to hit her. Never, ever, ever.

It's easy to blame the hip-hop culture, I suppose. Lyrics and lifestyles that promotes violence and objectifies women as B's and Ho's is bound to have an effect on the teen mind. But women get abused by rednecks, too. And gumbas. And just about every other segment of society. I just can't believe the generation with access to the most information than any other generation before them still has the nerve to think she deserved it.

Well she didn't. No one, man or woman, deserves to be afraid of their spouse. PERIOD. Chris Brown? He deserves to walk into a cast-iron skillet.

About ten times.


StarvingWriteNow said...

When I taught PSR classes for 7th and 8th graders, one of the classes I had to do was on "Sexual Morality". Not just definining how the church views it, but also speaking in real-life terms to these kids to try and make them understand that they need to respect themselves and that they are worth more than a hookup.

Anyhow, the research I did brought up some appalling statistics similar to yours, one of which was that 60% of teens, boys and girls alike, said it was "okay" for a boy to force a girl into sex if they had been dating a while. Like the boy was entitled, and the girl's feelings had nothing to do with it whatsoever. It made me sick.

One story that outraged me recently was the "honor killing" beheading of the Muslim woman in Buffalo, NY--where was the ACLU or whoever it is that speaks out against stuff like this? Why isn't the National Organization for Women marching on the capitol as we speak? That story just faded away like it was no big deal. I still can't believe it.

Missie said...

I have been so angry about this Rhianna situation. Her actions after the fact have only served to reinforce this belief that she deserved it. Unless she was holding a gun to CB's mother's head, then he had no excuse to do what he did.

Sadly, I think that in about five years, we will see a True Hollywood Story about the short life and tragic death of Rhianna, killed by her by that time husband CB and father of her children. I really hope I am wrong.

Robyn said...

Beth, it just makes my gut churn. I thought we were supposed to be smarter than this!

Missie, I can get why a woman who has been bullied and isolated, with children to take care of, no money, and no help would stay with an abuser. Rihanna (sp?) certainly doesn't fit in that category. I just have to wonder at the pathology.

writtenwyrdd said...

You're going to dislike my saying this, but when they know they are in an abusive situation and they stay there (unless options to get help are unavailable) it is partly their fault. Not that their partner hits them; but that they make the choice to stay.

Abuse is enabled sometimes, you know?

This is not to say that low self esteem individuals cannot feel so helpless they do not act; this does occur and is a problem for many of the abused.

But please, when you say it wasn't that singer's fault when she slapped him first? She contributed. He should NOT have hit her, but she contributed--just like the women who controlled the outbursts by provoking it.

It's a screwed up sorry mess when people start a cycle of violence like that. But I do not think it does anyone any favors to say that it's never in any way the fault of someone who puts up with abuse. As my momma says of her own experiences, you have to lay down to be a doormat.

Robyn said...

Oh, Written, I hear you. I didn't know she slapped him first, though that doesn't entitle him to retaliate.

A member of my family went through three abusive relationships, and I can tell you from experience that you have to physically take over and remove them from those situations. A lot of them just aren't able to break away. I agree, they have their own psychological problems. I wanted to slap her myself several times when she couldn't realize she was worth more than that.

I'm just sick of hearing the victim blamed, even if she puts herself in that place.

writtenwyrdd said...

It's much like an addiction, they have to be willing to accept help, and to feel they deserve help. The crushed psyches of these women can lend themselves to staying in abusive situations, though, as you say. The thing is you can't fix them unless they will help themselves. You can help by calling the police or stopping the abuse when you learn of it; but the cycle depends on both people participating.

It's very sad.