Sunday, September 28, 2008

Don’t Try To Breathe My Rare Special Air

I got this letter the other day, from an earnest young woman named Katie. She said, “…we have just taken a closer look at your profile. It turns out you’re more special than any of us imagined!” I could have told her that.

She went on to plead with me to keep this all a secret, but you’re my special friends. I’m sure it will be all right. “There has existed for many years an exclusive association, a secret society, of some of the world’s most famous and powerful people. These include renowned actors and musicians, leading scientists and intellectuals, self-made entrepreneurs and artists, even some of the rare genuine astrologers and psychics.” Of course. Because those people HATE attention from the press.

This association has uncovered shockingly powerful secrets; that lead to prosperity, love, happiness, and total peace of mind. Secrets which they share only amongst themselves, and- what do you know? They analyzed my profile! Katie tells me that my hidden talents must be phenomenal for the members to select me!

I have been chosen to receive their book, Greatest Kept Secrets, absolutely free. How wonderful of them. And what happened for Katie can happen for me- she won when she gambled; she knew what other people were thinking; she started an incredibly successful business; she gained a photographic memory; and eliminated all addictions and bad habits.

Now, everyone wants to be her friend. She is the center of attention. But the best part? She is wanted by all men, including her husband. She, of course, has eyes only for him. She can play the piano and paint with no training, too! She can predict the future AND heal people. Goodness, but she must be busy. And I can certainly see why you’d want to keep healing disease to yourself.

When analyzing my profile, they discovered something else- I’m about to enter Cycle Two. That’s why the association is contacting me now. It’s all very exciting, but I’m afraid I shall have to pass. Why did they use the mail when they could have just contacted me telepathically? Sad waste of funds, that. Sorry, but I have standards, people.


StarvingWriteNow said...

Don't you love those? They tell you this program or that whatever has changed their lives, but they never give any concrete details. I must say, though, I'd really like to know how she's suddenly healing people. What a trip!

Missie said...

I, too, am a part of this society. I could tell you more about it (for a small donation of three installments of $39.99).

Robyn said...

Of course they can't give details, Beth! It must be kept secret until you learn the handshake!

Missie, now they'll have to kill you, right?

writtenwyrdd said...

Oh boy, where do I sign up?

December/Stacia said...

Sadly, I am not special enough to be part of the Society.

I'm going back to my sad little corner now.

Missie said...

p.s. You having this "full-time job" thing is really cramping my style. I wanted to talk to you today, then realized you were all "worrrrking" at your big important job! What kind of friend are you?

Robyn said...

Written, December, I'll bet they're analyzing your profiles as we type!

Missie, I love being your friend. But I also love money.